Let’s talk about Comfort Eating

“When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it was your only chance at not falling apart” – Geneen Roth

As a former comfort eater, it takes A LOT of effort not to go back to my old ways. It is so easy to eat to feel better when I am stressed out, sad, lonely, hurt, angry or even just bored. My mind is excellent at rationalizing why the chocolate and seed bar in front of me won’t ‘count’ (“It is healthy”) It is great at convincing me that I need to eat something, despite just eaten lunch, because it will stop the ache.

For years, probably as long as I can remember, I have eaten to feel better. I have. My mom has. My grandmother has. My sisters have. As have a lot of people I know. Food is so much easier than getting up to go for walk, or having a chat with a loved one, or even just documenting it on paper/electronically. The dopamine release is so much quicker and more convenient as a reward system than doing exercise or mediating. And, what is the best thing, I can partake of this drug in front of everyone else, and nobody cares or thinks I am strange.

So, it took a long time to train my mind to say No. Sometimes I don’t win. But consistently, every time the urge arose, I will mutter ‘No’. It is a daily struggle when I stressed. And it takes a lot to really realize what you are doing. Take today for example, I am stressed out at work; too many people wanting my help, too many tasks to do, too much crap to handle. I am paralyzed by the tasks, berating myself for treading water rather than trying to swim.

Unknowingly, I have bought a 9 Bar (Chocolate and Raspberry), a bottle of orange juice, a pack of pre-cooked chicken and a Cacao Mint Bounce Ball – all healthy and fairly good for me. The old me would likely have picked up cookies, popcorn or a milkshake. But the behaviour is there – I have bought four items that I do not need today. None of them fit into my planned meals and I am not hungry. The only difference today, as opposed to two years ago, is that I have not eaten any of them yet and they are better food choices.

So I have broken the habit of automatically eating everything in sight, but the act of buying the food is still present. For the average person, they would not even notice this behavior. And then they are baffled when they are overweight or not losing weight despite their best efforts.

But, right now in my head, there is a shouting battle going on. So many voices, so many opinions, it is maddening:
“Eat it, you have the spare calories”
“Don’t eat it, you are not hungry – just stressed”
“Just do better tomorrow, eat it today”
“Put it out of sight and go back to work”

And in the deafening screaming, I am looking for that one voice. That one golden, true voice, that is whispering “This pain, anger, hurt, stress, annoyance, frustration, ickiness is temporary. Believe in yourself more than the food.”

Welcome to the Grind

So, I have been away – many things have changed. I am seeing a coach to sort out my diet and provide accessory workouts to get strong. I finished my first Crossfit Open. Participated in my first Crossfit Competition. I am trying to get a better mindset to what is going on.

So, I wanted to talk about something that has been bugging me. A lot of the time, we only see the success at the end of someone’s journey. We see the glum looking ‘Before’ picture, then the happy, smiling ‘After’ picture. And, often, we do not see the steps in between. Someone once explained this to me very well, this space between starting and finishing, the journey… also known as ‘The Grind’

We always see the people who have made it, it either makes us feel guilty or frustrated that we are not there yet. And often is it much easier to just give up, resort to our old ways. We expect to do something for a month and then see dramatic results. Nobody likes to talk about that day in, day out, grinding work to get a tiny bit better every day. And nothing is more annoying than seeing your weight go up, not down when you are doing your utmost to stick to your macros and to an exercise routine.

On top of that, it takes a lot of courage to accept that, even as an experienced dieter and exercise person, you still don’t have it all figured out and you still need someone to help you through the process. It makes me wonder how many of these pro-athletes, ‘fitspo’ models and successful YouTube vloggers, behind the scenes, are gripped with the same anxiety I get about whether they are doing ‘enough’, eating ‘enough’ or training ‘enough’

It is good to focus on your goal, to drive forwards to that shining moment when you can do that thing you have always wanted to do. But sometimes, it is good to just pause and acknowledge how far you have come.

For me, that is acknowledging that despite my lack of skill and strength in Crossfit I am still:
* A black belt in both karate and kickboxing
* Able to climb a flight of stairs (or three!)
* Deadlift more than her bodyweight
* Confident enough to experiment with smart swaps in recipes
* Able to cook for herself
* Dedicated enough to do meal prep
* Bold enough to do a workout that she may not complete, just for the challenge
* Determined enough to keep chipping away at her workouts, even if people are lifting more, moving more, doing ‘more’ than her in a WOD

Every day, it is a choice to either embrace The Grind… or not.
Thanks to Coach Cyn for her insight on this topic

“I wish someone would push me [to go to the gym]”

I read it often and hear it often, mostly from people who do not have a regular fitness routine. After telling them how I usually exercise four times a week (trying for five!) and try to eat well, they look at me with dreamy eyes, sigh and say “I wish someone would push me.”

I get their reasoning, they believe that, after years of their parents nagging them to do things, that if they had someone to push them to go that they would go. And I agree, it is harder to avoid your routine if you have someone else driven to make sure you succeed. Having a personal trainer that doesn’t let you quit, or a gym buddy that drags you to the gym when you are exhausted, is great but, in honesty, a luxury.

The problem I have with having an accountability partner(s) is that the responsibility of whether you succeed or not lies with them. We can easily blame them for ‘letting me stay at home’ or credit them for that ‘last final rep’. I relies on them to supply the drive and motivation, something that personal trainers are paid to do, but normal friends and family are not. The same for apps, when we don’t get the results, we blame the app or the program.

It is good to have people to support you in your goals. I love working out with others in Crossfit, all working to a common goal. I enjoy talking about food and healthy swaps with my friends. I appreciate the odd high five or congratulations when it comes. But I don’t rely on anyone to push me constantly, you have to push yourself because it is your life, your choices, your responsibility.

Not having someone to push you (constantly) is an excuse. It is an excuse to ‘wait’ for the perfect moment, which if you read enough you will know, does not exist. Don’t wait for someone to come push you, push yourself. Start the dialogue in your head, today, reminding yourself that you can do this, it is possible, and it doesn’t have to be big.

 

Final note – I got a personal best on my front squat today, hitting 45kg for two reps. All with a sore back!

Mobility

So this is an interesting topic for me. One thing I have noticed especially in Crossfit, is the emphasis on Mobility and Flexibility. It appears that Mobility & Flexibility is not just something you do if you are a little stiff, it is a key pillar of being decent at Crossfit. Both boxes I visit offer one session a week for an hour, dedicated to this subject, there is no WOD at the end, no sweat (except from the discomfort of some of the positions!) and no real test of physical challenge. Additional to that, every normal Crossfit class at our box consists of a warmup and, often, specific stretches to improve performance in the workout.

In a previous life, I did kickboxing and, given the dynamic movements required, the warmup and stretches were very general. Regardless of whether we were doing kicks, or self-defence, or sparring drills – the warm up was identical. As an instructor, we were taught to stick to the warmup routine and the stretches at the end. Looking back and knowing what I know now, I could have truly saved myself a lot of pain and suffering from stiff muscles if I had known how to do a proper warmup or cool down.

So my suggestion to everyone is go visit a Mobility & Flexibility class at your box or, sign up to ROMWOD, or just find some stretching routines on YouTube. Never underestimate the power of getting a good stretching session in – it might hurt a bit as you find particularly sore or tight places on your body, but afterwards, you will feel 100 times better.

Crossfit Open 2017

So, this is it. My next mountain to challenge me. After much debating with myself about whether I could do it, reading of 2016 and 2015’s WODs and a little nudging from my new-ish Crossfit friends; I have signed up to the Crossfit Open 2017. Like the researcher I am, I have written down all the WODs from the past years, made a checklist of what I need to perform, and now my mind is thinking about what I need to work on.

I am excited at the challenge and, in a way, amazed that every single Crossfit athlete who wants to enter the Crossfit Games needs to start exactly where I am. While they will be doing the recommended workout, where I will do the scaled/easier version; they will be doing exactly the same as me. I will never be as fast or as strong as the Crossfit elite athlete (I’d need to go back in time and start training from the age of 10!) but I know that I will be the fastest, strongest and best athlete I can be. This positive mindset is starting to sink it’s teeth into my thoughts, and instead of stressing about what I can’t do, I am excited about what I CAN do.

Slightly sickening right?

The Plan

Most elite athletes start immediately preparing for the Open after the Games finishes – they have to if they want to remain on top. So I will have less time to prepare than others, but I know what it is like to do a fitness challenge – I have done about 15-20 martial arts gradings. At least the last three of them I had to seriously plan and train for – all of which I passed without passing out, failing to do techniques or having to stop sparring. I have also done a 5km race and a 5km obstacle race – both I trained a fair bit for, but perhaps not as dedicated as my black belt grading(s).

So, like with any plan the first step is to write what is needed for the test, then focus on what the weakest points are as well as recap the strong points. For me, this would be consistent Single Unders (skipping), push-ups, grip strength and maybe some of the weight lifting. So, while I have sporadic access to the Crossfit box (I am travelling twice in three weeks) I am going to focus on the skipping and push-ups. I have ordered my new skipping rope and signed up to the gymnastic strength classes, hopefully it will help.

Good luck to all entering the Open and I hope you succeed!

 

Be Proud

Firstly, I love how I can act as if I have all my sh*t together. That it is easy for me to workout, meal prep and stay healthy. The truth is, it is an acceptance of who I am and what I can do – the old motto ‘Fake it till you make it’ remains true. I do Crossfit, meal prep and try to eat well not because I ‘have to’ but because it is who I am. I have convinced my brain that this is who I am and it is slowly accepting it!

I wanted to write about an interesting thing I have noticed since I started this idea of a positive inner monologue, is the amount of times people talk themselves down. How, especially, women are almost embarrassed by their ‘attempts’ to get fit, eat healthy or do better. Newbies talk down about how weak they are when they choose a 5kg dumbell when the boys are marching by with 20kg monstrosities. My work colleague says she is ‘trying to be healthy’ as she eats a tasty breakfast of tomatoes, cottage cheese and rice cakes (Yum). A blogger talking about how she is fat and dumpy, making her more likeable. A dude that can deadlift upwards of 100kg saying he is fat and wants to lose his belly.

Just like we fat-shame people, I think we inadvertently shame those that are just trying to do better and be healthier. People are embarrassed to post their gym posts or talk about their eating routine. Normal people who are proud of what they are doing who, in my case, just wanting to share their success. I feel no jealousy now when I see my friend lose weight, or someone say they ‘only’ ran 6km – I feel proud and want to acknowledge their small win. In a non-competitive environment, why should we not congratulate someone on being a little bit better?

Perhaps it is because, by my nature, I am not a competitive person. One of the lessons that is reinforced by Crossfit – the only opponent, in the workouts (not competitions) is your old self. All you need to do in this workout is get through it, at your best ability and in your best time. And, instantly, you are a little bit better than you were yesterday. Without a long discussion with the others in the gym, you have no idea how the other person got to where they are today – for me, I have little previous athletic experience. I have never done weights, gymnastics, track nor any field sports – I will probably be the weakest, fattest, slowest person in the room. But that doesn’t matter to me, what matters is that I showed up and am going to finish the workout.

Extra note:

I thought I would share this with everyone since it is a great recipe, especially for those who (like me) sometimes need ’emergency’ chocolate milk after a hard workout:
Home made Chocolate Milk

Because I freak out about having white sugar, I replaced the powdered sugar with coconut palm sugar. And it tastes exactly like Nesquik ❤

 

New Year, ‘New’ You

I love and hate January at the same time. January is a great time for health and fitness as hoards of people make it their New Year’s resolution to eat healthy, exercise more, lose weight, give up sugar etc etc. I am always happy when others decide to make a conscious decision to be better than they were, but also cautious about all these outrageous things that my friends (and family) do to get to their goals.

And, of course, every blog, Instagram and Facebook feed is flooded with personal trainers, health evangelists, diet experts and fitspiration athletes advertising their winning formula to lose weight quickly and effectively. It reminds me of when I was trying to find a solution for weight loss, flooded with people who say ‘Don’t eat carbs.’ then ‘Do eat carbs…but only before 9pm’.

So, to contribute to the noise, I add my input based on what I learnt in Precision Nutrition and my own journey. I will probably write a full post just about Precision Nutrition and their year long programme, but for now, just know they are awesome people doing awesome stuff.

My suggestion to those wanting to lose weight, get fit, eat healthy, be ‘better’ – is start small. Start by having half a teaspoon of sugar in your coffee instead of a full teaspoon – try it for two weeks, see if it works. If it does, then keep going, if not, change it and pick something else to fix. Take the stairs instead of the elevator, do on more rep in your workout, take one less piece of chocolate. Just don’t, whatever you do, try to do everything all at once – you will not suddenly manage to change your life around (long term) by starting to run 10 miles a day and eating only salad. It’ll work while you have the fire in your belly, and then it will die down and you will give up. There is no magic pill, no permanent weight loss that is done in 30 days, no secret – it is hard work and a willingness to change, and keep changing.

So, my dearest new years resolutioners, I have faith in you – keep going, keep trying, keep stretching outside your comfort zone. It can be hard to break a habit but you can do it, you are not the first, nor will you be the last. Try something new, do something new, eat something new. Being healthy and strong isn’t as hard as it looks – I promise 🙂

Rest and Recovery

Last week I was flattened by a cold/flu illness – it was horrid not so much in the blocked nose and headache, but in the fatigue. I was tired just washing my hair in the morning – but it made me consider how awful it must be to be that exhausted all of the time. I take good care of my body, I slow down when I need to, I stop when I should and eat fairly proper, good food. For about a year, I did not get sick at all – granted I was a lot more on top of my stress management and sleep than I have been.

So, I did no training last week – not even a walk. And I think my body appreciated the rest. During this time, I watched a fair amount of another interesting YouTube Channel I found – TeamRICHEY. Like David (ObeseToBeast), Craig has a happy, authentic way of presenting his series. He comes to London a fair bit so it is cool to see him going to boxes and places near me (I hope he comes to my box one day!)

What was inspiring and reassuring was this monologue he had after his final WOD for the Crossfit Open 2015. As someone who is fitter than me, but still not an elite (or even regional) athlete, it was refreshing to see him confess how he was caught up in the ‘Never Good Enough’ parade, but how he has changed his mindset since doing Crossfit. Have a watch if you have a chance (start at 9:20)

So the main message I got from his monologue is the concept of being a little better every time – that the goal you won’t be today or tomorrow, but it will be there if you keep trying. For those interested, my current goals are here – what are yours?

Take tiny steps every day

I discovered a new YouTube channel a week or two ago called ObeseToBeast. YouTube channels with people who have made dramatic weight losses is not new, nor is YouTube personalities talking about fitness; but what I admired is how raw and honest this guy is. He talks about why he wears compression clothes to prevent his loose skin from flapping about, or how much fun he had at his first Crossfit competition or, how he lost 170 pounds. And he does it without acting as if his weight-loss way was the only way nor that he has everything in his life sorted out.

But it also got me thinking, there is a plethora of channels, instagram feeds, videos and blogs talking about their weight loss success stories. How they got there. And we, the audience, only see the end result – the amazing transformation. And, if you are like most people, you think ‘Wow, I wish I could to that’ and start comparing our progress to theirs.

We see their smiling happy faces and think that this will be the only way we will be happy, is to shed the pounds off our belly and claim our podium spot on the social media wall of fame. And it is incredibly hard to break that mindset, that we have to be thin/fit before we can even consider doing things like Crossfit. And, no matter how many people tell you that nobody cares what you look like, the voice in your head is screaming ‘Everyone is fitter, stronger and leaner than you here!’

But here is the secret that you know, but don’t want to admit it; everyone started where you are. Everyone was humbled by the squat snatch, everyone was panting after a 200m run, everyone had to do ring rows, everyone wondered how they were ever going to do the workout when the warm up made them want to puke. And all we have to do to get to that sacred ground of ‘I transformed my body!’ is to take consistent steps towards the right things in life.

All you need to do, and this is important, is to keep moving forward, one tiny step at a time. One workout at a time. One tasty, healthy meal at a time. One good night’s sleep at a time.

Just one step. Doesn’t have to be big. Just one…

Run if you can…

Today’s WOD:
3 rounds:
15 Burpees
400m run
15 Pullups (scaled to jumping pullups)

Time: 14:01

Thoughts:
I found a great quote today:

‘Run if you can, walk if you must, crawl if you have to, just never give up” – Dean Karnazes

Like most people, I am not ‘good’ at running. As I mentioned in another post, my pace is slow, and I am not sure if it is mental or physical. Regardless, I am usually the last person to finish any run portion of a workout. But, here is the stone cold fact, to get good at something, you have to do more of it. So, for me, this means more running and more conditioning.

With that in mind, I resolved to just go at my pace in today’s workout. I cannot compete with someone who has done Tough Mudder before, or runs an almost sub-3 hour marathon run. I allowed myself to walk when I needed, run when I could, but the point was I didn’t cut corners with the workout. I did everything that was asked of me, even if I was almost a round behind the leader.

This is not a self-defeating post – this is not a ‘Look, I can’t run and make an ass out of myself’. It is an acknowledgment that I need to do it at my pace, my way, to my ability. As I see it, this is the ground level – one day I will be laughing at the fact that I could not manage 3 rounds of 400m runs; just like years ago when I couldn’t get a roundhouse kick.

My wins, as I see them today, are:

1. I finished the WOD
2. I ran at least 1.5km today
3. I did 45 burpees
4. I did 45 jumping pullups
5. I did not give up