“When you believe in yourself more than you believe in food, you will stop using food as if it was your only chance at not falling apart” – Geneen Roth
As a former comfort eater, it takes A LOT of effort not to go back to my old ways. It is so easy to eat to feel better when I am stressed out, sad, lonely, hurt, angry or even just bored. My mind is excellent at rationalizing why the chocolate and seed bar in front of me won’t ‘count’ (“It is healthy”) It is great at convincing me that I need to eat something, despite just eaten lunch, because it will stop the ache.
For years, probably as long as I can remember, I have eaten to feel better. I have. My mom has. My grandmother has. My sisters have. As have a lot of people I know. Food is so much easier than getting up to go for walk, or having a chat with a loved one, or even just documenting it on paper/electronically. The dopamine release is so much quicker and more convenient as a reward system than doing exercise or mediating. And, what is the best thing, I can partake of this drug in front of everyone else, and nobody cares or thinks I am strange.
So, it took a long time to train my mind to say No. Sometimes I don’t win. But consistently, every time the urge arose, I will mutter ‘No’. It is a daily struggle when I stressed. And it takes a lot to really realize what you are doing. Take today for example, I am stressed out at work; too many people wanting my help, too many tasks to do, too much crap to handle. I am paralyzed by the tasks, berating myself for treading water rather than trying to swim.
Unknowingly, I have bought a 9 Bar (Chocolate and Raspberry), a bottle of orange juice, a pack of pre-cooked chicken and a Cacao Mint Bounce Ball – all healthy and fairly good for me. The old me would likely have picked up cookies, popcorn or a milkshake. But the behaviour is there – I have bought four items that I do not need today. None of them fit into my planned meals and I am not hungry. The only difference today, as opposed to two years ago, is that I have not eaten any of them yet and they are better food choices.
So I have broken the habit of automatically eating everything in sight, but the act of buying the food is still present. For the average person, they would not even notice this behavior. And then they are baffled when they are overweight or not losing weight despite their best efforts.
But, right now in my head, there is a shouting battle going on. So many voices, so many opinions, it is maddening:
“Eat it, you have the spare calories”
“Don’t eat it, you are not hungry – just stressed”
“Just do better tomorrow, eat it today”
“Put it out of sight and go back to work”
And in the deafening screaming, I am looking for that one voice. That one golden, true voice, that is whispering “This pain, anger, hurt, stress, annoyance, frustration, ickiness is temporary. Believe in yourself more than the food.”